MAKING NO BONES ABOUT TURKEY LEFTOVERS

Although the holidays now have passed by, there still may be turkey leftovers lurking in refrigerators and freezers. Is a partially gnawed drumstick still considered to be "turkey"? Naturally, the law may suggest an answer to this digestive question. In a Michigan case, the court addressed the legal nature of a turkey. Justice Bird stated "the question is a new one in this court." He went on to hold that "an examination of the question has brought with it the conviction that turkeys are animals under the generally accepted definition of that term as used in the law."* However, a Wisconsin court later concluded that turkeys are not "fur-bearing animals" but in fact are "poultry, unless in a wild state, in which they may be "birds or land fowl."**

Is a cooked turkey still a turkey? In an 1823 English case, the court ruled that a reference to "two turkies" means live turkeys, not dead ones.*** One legal reference has stated "it would seem to be implicit in the definition of the word 'animal' that after a creature has died it ceases to be an animal and becomes a mere mass or carcass."**** However, in a leading United States case, a court disagreed, concluding "In common speech, the word 'turkey' is applied to a dead fowl sold in the market, as well as to a living animal."*****

So, are turkey leftovers still turkey, or has one had enough of turkey already to even care? The decisions are clear but not really helpful. Perhaps the best course of action for the leftovers is to make soup out of them--now that would be a real turkey!

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* Holcomb v. Van Zylen, 140 N.W. 521 (1913)

**Town of Albion v. Trask, 41 N.W.2d 627 (1950)

***Rex v. Halloway, 171 Eng. Rep. 1131,1132

****3 C.J.S. Animal sec.1

*****Commonwealth v. Coleman, 68 N.E. 220 (1903)


© Daniel J. Kucera 2020

VINTAGE EAU DE STINKBUG

With the onset of Autumn, it has been common to experience invasion of one's house by hordes of small orange beetles, knockoffs of red ladybugs. Last Fall, however, they were outnumbered by larger, more offensive stinkbugs--their name tells all you need to know about them. This Spring, these critters have been awakening from hibernation to populate walls, floors, furniture and kitchen counters. It may be the latest environmental issue: global swarming!

Now, a published report reveals that stinkbugs also have become a pest for wine producers.* It seems that stinkbugs just love wine grapes. When these grapes are harvested, the bugs travel with the grapes into the fermentation tanks. The problem is that the bugs then release their stink and spoil the taste of the resulting wine.

How many stinkbugs does it take to spoil wine? A rule of tongue seems to be that more than 3 bugs per grape cluster will ruin wine taste. Talk about job creation--counting stinkbugs!

Recently, I had a glass of some red wine from a bottle whose label described it as having an "earthy" flavor. Perhaps, one should read the label before drinking, rather than after. I have switched now to white wine, whose taste is said to be less sensitive to stinkbugs. Regardless, white wine is more transparent in a glass. But, you know, all of this concern bugs me so that I may just drink water.

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*Eaton, "Red Wine Has Stinkbug Threshold", Science
News, March 18, 2017, p.5

© Daniel J. Kucera 2017

BUGS OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS

A recent survey of urban and suburban houses in a North Carolina city found that homes in neighborhoods having higher average incomes had a greater variety of arthropods living in them as "house guests."* In case you have forgotten your high school science, arthropods include insects, spiders, crustaceans and other invertebrate critters with an exoskeleton, segmented body, and jointed appendages. A more scientific name for these things is "bugs."

The survey found that an average household had more than 100 bug species living in the house. However, there was no report of shrimp living in a basement. Among the more popular insect occupants, gall midge flies were found in 100% of homes, fungus gnats in 96% and cockroaches in 74%. Frankly, my vote for most popular would be for the spiders and their arachnid friends. It was reported that this was the first evidence of a link between wealth and greater diversity of bugs in houses. Apparently, climate change is not a factor.

As one might expect, there has been litigation over residential bugs. For example, there have been several cases involving bedbugs in hotel rooms, apartments and rental mattresses. There even is a case where love was lost when a tennis player fell stepping on a dead cicada.

An interesting case involved the purchase of a mobile home by a man and his fiancé who intended it to be their abode after their wedding. Upon their return from a honeymoon, they "found their trailer full of bugs 'hatched all over the trailer' and 'packed on the floor.'" Subsequently, "they observed bugs in the bedroom walls behind the paneling, in the insulation underneath the trailer, in the cabinets, the tub, on the curtains, and all over their home."

The couple hired an exterminator, who identified the bugs as "confused grain beetles." Several treatments did not solve the problem. The couple moved out of their home and sued the seller to get their money back. A witness for the seller stated that the bugs were "confused flour beetles", not "confused grain beetles", and that they could be exterminated successfully. Whatever, one wonders how the bugs would have been were they not confused.

The Appellate Court affirmed the trial court's decision for the bugged couple, stating "there is really very little question but that a mobile home infested with beetles in the numbers described by plaintiff and his wife is unfit for use as a residence. Persons of ordinary sensibilities would not want to live under such conditions as were shown to have existed in this mobile home..."**

While wealth may foster residential bug diversity, too many bugs may eat away at wealth. Perhaps, it is the bugs one sees that are the problem. The bugs you do not see are not a problem, unless they bite you.

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*Milius,"Richer Homes Host More Kinds of Bugs,"
Science News, Sept.3, 2016, p.15

**Sauers v. Tibbs, 363 N.E.2d 444(Ill.App.)1977

GONE! WHAT HAPPENED TO SANTA CLAUS?

BREAKING NEWS.....Dateline December 25, 2050

Officials announced today the climate change agreement of all nations to ban Santa Claus from the Earth.

Under the agreement, authorities also have closed down Santa's workshop, seized his sleigh, and deported his reindeer from the North Pole to Finland.

Reached for comment, Santa declined comment on advice of his attorney. Mrs. Claus was quoted as exclaiming "What am I going to do? That old man now is going to be hanging around the house all day." One of Santa's elves, an officer of the Elves Union (EU) who asked not to be identified, said "We elves are now are unemployed and are in shock. We are short but have a long history. We will review our options."

Prior to 2015 and Climate Change Agreement I, carbon was pervasive. When Santa Claus made his rounds of houses, he came down the chimney with clothes all tarnished in ashes and soot. After the 2015 agreement, which banned carbon, Santa was able to come down chimneys free of pollutants.

Now, 35 years later, international governmental leaders have adopted Climate Change Agreement II to resolve additional issues with Santa Claus. Scientists have determined that, as Santa travels around the world, his reindeer produce excessive methane from belching and pooping, resulting in increases global warming. It is estimated that by the year 2100, the reindeer will have caused an increase in earth temperature of 0.01 degrees, unless remedial action is taken.

Even more serious, officials state, is that Santa's reindeer are leaving their chips and pies (poop) on top of mandatory rooftop solar panels of homes he visits. These deposits then block the production of electricity for the homes. Since there no longer is an electric grid or natural gas service, the result is that homes are without electricity for heating, cooking and lighting.

Therefore, government leaders concluded, it was necessary to ban Santa Claus in order to save the Earth.

For those who embrace the tradition of Christmas gift giving, governments are providing alternatives to Santa Claus. In the United States, the Affordable Gift Act was enacted, which provides for regional gift centers operated by government agency staff. Children will be able to select gifts from the centers, The centers will be funded by cash donations from adults, who then will receive tax credits as their gifts. Adults who decline to fund gift centers will pay an income tax penalty surcharge.

Authorities commented that under the terms of the Affordable Gift Act, the public will not miss Santa Claus at all, and the environment will be saved. "Those who once believed in Santa Claus can now happily believe only in government," one said.

One official was heard to say to an inquisitive little girl, "Yes, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus."

MOUNT FUNGUSMORE--SHRINE OF DEGUSTATION?

Everyone knows that, after a good rain, mushrooms tend to pop up in yards. Thus, it should have been no surprise to me that today I stumbled upon the mountain of fungus pictured above.

At first, I thought it may be an alien being from outer space. Then, more realistically, I speculated that it was the heave of an owl that over-ate some squirrels. Close inspection, however, disclosed that it was a colony of fungus some two feet wide and a foot tall.

Being of Czech descent, mushrooms course through my blood. Called "houby", they are the fruit of the gods. The problem, however, is which gods, as some mushrooms can be quite deadly.

Unfortunately, all mushrooms look alike to me, so I buy them in a grocery store. However, my late aunt was a classic mushroom hunter/gatherer, with acute fungus radar. She had secret woodland hunting grounds and frequently was chased away by agitated farmers or their bulls. Her son did not fall from the toadstool, as he was in the same mold. His mushroom hunting, however, was in the lawns of unsuspecting homeowners.

I do not know whether my Mount Fungusmore is edible or not, but I have considered trying to save it for a parade float at the next annual Houby Festival held in a local town. Surely, it will be a high point.

One problem, however, is that mushrooms do not seem to have a long shelf life. In a 1946 decision of the U.S. Court of Appeals, the United States sued three 25 bags and two boxes of dried mushrooms, alleging that they were adulterated.* While the fungus could not speak for themselves, a claimant did and disputed that the mushrooms were adulterated. After a trial, the District Court ruled that the mushrooms were adulterated within the meaning of the federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act and that the mushrooms "be condemned, forfeited, and destroyed."

The claimant appealed. But wait, "in the meantime, no stay of the court's order or decree having been entered, the Marshall destroyed the mushrooms." How they were destroyed was not mentioned.

The Court of Appeals dismissed the appeal. "The continued existence of the mushrooms is essential to our right to proceed against the things themselves....The decree of the District Court goes against the mushrooms. The decree having been entered and executed, the proceeding is functus officio."

If one picks some mushrooms in the wild, and becomes ill from eating them, the only potential defendant likely is oneself. So, I have no intention to even touch Mount Fungusmore. I have decided to let nature take its course to condemn, forfeit and destroy: fungus functus officio.
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*United States v. 3 Unlabeled 25-pound bags
Dried Mushrooms,157 F.2d 722 (7th Cir.1946)

SWEET DREAMS

"You never oughta drink water when it ain't runnin'."

-----John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men


Whenever, we feel sluggish or drowsy, sometimes we reach for candy or other sweet for a sugar high and anticipated boost in alertness. However, according to a recent published report, our anticipation may be misplaced. It seems that a boost in sugar intake may actually put us into sleepiness.*

It is well established that a large meal, such as at Thanksgiving, can cause overeaters to fall asleep even over the blare of boring televised football games and clacking relatives. But, maybe we should not blame the turkey hormones for our drowsiness.

A new study in London shows that sugar promotes sleep instead of alertness. In the study, glucose was injected into the brains of mice. Certain nerve cells in mouse brains are sleep inducers. (I wonder if other cells are cheese graving producers). At any rate, the study shows that the glucose stimulated the sleep causing cells, and the mice promptly nodded off for a deep sleep. Indeed, the more the neurons detected sweetness, the stronger the resulting sleep.

According to the report, human sleep causing neurons appear to be similar to those of mice. One wonders, then, what to make of the quote from Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men": "Trouble with mice is you always kill 'em." If the cells of mice and men are similar, then a similar reaction to sugar may be expected appears to be the conclusion.

So, perhaps Mary Poppins was correct when she asserted that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. In this case, a spoonful of sugar also helps the eyelids go down. Pardon me, while a reach for a piece of candyyyyyy......ZZZZZZZZZ.

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* Sanders, "Sugar May Put You to Sleep, Science News,
August 8, 2015, p. 15

"MY KINGDOM FOR A HEARSE"...KING RICHARD III RIDES AGAIN

England's King Richard III, or at least his bones, has received royal treatment at last. You may recall that his bones allegedly were unearthed from underneath a parking lot ("car park") in 2012. How Richard, who died in battle in 1485 in Bosworth. traveled to a municipal parking lot in Leicester is probably as improbable as his journey 530 years later from the car park to Leicester's cathedral.

It is said that the bones most assuredly are bone-fide those of Richard, based on carbon dating and DNA analysis of a remote great nephew. However, despite all the pomp and circumstance of the re-interrment, one author argues that the evidence in inconclusive. To enable carbon dating results of the bones to include 1485, the findings had to be adjusted for a so-called fish factor--Richard ate a lot of fish, which must have increased the scale. DNA findings also were challenged. "So, as we prepare for a week of royal spectacle, the sort England always does stirringly well, it is worth pausing during the pageantry to wonder if it is indeed King Richard III being given such a glittering reburial, or whether his cold, battle-scarred Plantagenet bones still lie out there, undiscovered and unrecognized."*

Regardless, the bones traveled in a cortege to Leicester's cathedral, to lie in state and to be re-interred with much ceremony on March 26. It was reported that one pub served a Plantagenet dinner of pottage and mead while another offered King Richard ales served by wenches. A gift shop near the cathedral was selling Plantagenet refrigerator magnets.** As one author summarized it, "To judge by the brouhaha, the re-interrment of Richard is the most exciting thing to have happened in Leicester since the king's death at the nearby Battle of Bosworth over 500 years ago." *** On the other hand, a retired vicar put it this way: "It's all faintly idolatrous, as if monarch bone worship had come into fashion."**

Despite all the pomp, there apparently remains much controversy over whether Richard was a good guy. One author believes he was much maligned by Shakespeare's play. The author states that Richard was an innovative king who instituted legal reforms and "had a genuine commitment to fair play in the judicial system, his actions and proclamations stressing that his laws were to be administered impartially without delay or favour."****

On the other hand, another author has stated that Richard "was, in modern terms, a psychopathic serial killer who eliminated his imagined enemies: friend and foe, adult and child." "Next week we may be burying a King in Leicester, but we are also interring a common criminal."*****

Whatever, Richard will be celebrated in a new musical expected to open in October in London. It is called "RichardRocks." According to its website (rechardrocks.com), the show is "a rock opera based on Shakespeare's most infamous villain." Therefore, if you missed the funeral, you can still catch the music.

So, Richard III may be buried again away from your eyes, but he still can be music for your ears.

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* Selwood, Daily Telegraph, March 21,2015,p.25

** Mills, Sunday Times, March 22,2015,p.17

*** Symons, Daily Telegraph, March 21,2015,p.T16

**** Stone, Daily Telegraph, March 21,2015,p.25

***** Jones, Daily Telegraph, March 21,2015,p.25

BATHROOM PUZZLEMENTS

"If a chap can't compose an epic poem while he's weaving a tapestry, he had better shut up; he'll never do any good at all." William Morris

In recent travels in Europe, I again encountered bathroom operation issues. For example, the above photo illustrates shower controls found in a bathroom in England. The panel of valves reminded me of an engine room in a submarine, with a captain barking "down scope." As seems common, no instructions were provided as to how the controls are to be used. One must learn from a freeze/scald, flood/drought experience.

Also as common, the so-called shower was part of a bathtub with walls about three feet high requiring a leap in and out of the tub with youthful dexterity not found in advancing age and/or skin scraping and chin bruising. The tub was enclosed by two glass panels, one of which moved inward only to let the bather seek cleanliness. Unfortunately, the moving panel extended so far along the tub that a bather had to climb the back wall of the tub to enable the panel to open and close. Otherwise the bather would remain a permanent captive of the bathtub until a maid came by to clean. And, of course, there never seem to be any bars within the tub area to grasp as one falls.

The moving shower heads also should be mentioned, as they tend to have lives of their own. Raise the device, and it immediately falls to provide ample spray on one's navel and parts below. Or, it moves from side to side, overshooting the glass panels to flood the room.

In Italy, two unique examples arose. In one hotel, a "proper" free standing glass enclosed shower stall was in the bathroom. However, there was no shelf or soap dish in the shower stall to hold soap, shampoo and whatever else one takes into a shower. In order to lather, one has to open the shower door, reach for soap or shampoo on a nearby counter, reenter the stall, apply the soap or shampoo, reopen the door, put back the item, reenter the stall, rinse and repeat as necessary. By the end of it all, the bathroom floor is a river. Moreover, since the towels hang from a bar on the far wall, one must wade through the floor river to get a towel, by the time of which one has dried naturally by the gush of air from the ventilation which smells of the kitchen.

Perhaps the most aggravating bathroom issue was the hotel room that did not have a toilet paper roll holder. It was necessary to locate a loose toilet roll on a nearby bidet, providing some use for the appliance which some people thought was for washing one's hair.

When traveling,I am not concerned about writing a poem and weaving at the same time. I just want to use a bathroom easily and safely. No wonder there are those who sometimes yearn for an old fashioned water hand pump and an outhouse.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING. TURKEY

In a few days, most Americans will celebrate Thanksgiving Day with a robust turkey dinner. My mother, like millions of other mothers, always roasted a hearty turkey for the occasion.

One year in my childhood, however, that routine almost changed. My grandfather had raised a goose. This was no ordinary goose. In addition to a constant companion for scraps at the dinner table, the goose was an attack security guard which challenged all who approached. It also was obese, tipping the scales at 30 pounds when any respectable grocery store goose was lucky to weigh about 10 pounds. My grandfather surely knew how to fatten fowl. As Thanksgiving approached that year, Gramps decided to gift the Monster Goose for our celebratory meal. My mother discreetly emptied the freezer, laid the goose to rest, and dashed to a store for a customary turkey.

Speaking of well fed turkeys, I found an interesting court decision on feeding the birds.* For several years, General Mills had sold a turkey farmer feed for his turkeys, on credit. The farmer gave the seller a promissory note for the amount owed. When General Mills sued the farmer for non-payment of the note when due, the farmer counterclaimed for alleged damages alleging that the feed was inadequate, causing damage to his flock. The primary issue at trial was whether the feed contained vitamins required by turkeys. As the court put it, "Vitamins are essential to growth and life in men and turkeys."

Both sides presented extensive testimony by scientists and turkey farmers on the feed. The judge, however, was impressed by a 13 year old girl named Barbara. "She raised a little flock of turkeys on plaintiff's feed and on the witness stand related her experience....Truth, innocence and brightness adorned her even as a mantle. Her turkeys,'cabined,cribbed,confined,'grew and thrived and topped the market on plaintiff's feed."

The court held that the feed sold the farmer was in accordance with the seller's representations, and the alleged losses sustained by the farmer were due to infectious diseases, not the feed. Judgement on the note was awarded to plaintiff.

For many years, U.S. Presidents have been presented with a live turkey for their annual Thanksgiving dinner. In accordance with established tradition, presidents then issue an Executive Order granting the turkey amnesty. Thereupon, the saved turkey is sent away probably eventually to be consumed by someone else. No doubt, the White House then munches on a different roasted turkey for Thanksgiving. So, in the end, what does the Executive Order accomplish? It kills two birds with one stone?

What does all this turkey talk have to do with water? Well, turkey leftovers can make for delicious soup.

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* General Mills v. Clark, 52 F.Supp. 244
(W.D.Mo.1943)

GLOBAL WARMING OR GLOBAL FATTENING?

A new hypothesis asserts that climate change has resulted in fat people. The sort of climate change it is talking about is that encountered when a person moves from a cold climate location to a warm climate.* According to this notion, people living in cold areas have genes that produce higher metabolic rates, thereby maintaining warm body temperatures and resulting in less obesity. However, humans migrating to warmer climates develop lower metabolic rates to remain cool and, accordingly, hold on to excess fat. If this hypothesis is proven true, it would seem that alleged global warming is causing the current growth in fat people. (Those who migrate for the winter to Florida or Arizona take note.)

But wait--is there global warming? According to a published report, "since the turn of the century, global average temperatures have remained flat despite an unabated rise in greenhouse gas emissions."** Some apparently not willing to acknowledge that global warming may not exist now have developed a hypothesis that excess global heat is being swallowed by oceans and stored as warm water deep under the surface. If deep ocean waters are becoming warmer, then will fish and other sea life become fatter under the climate change hypothesis discussed above? Of course, if fish become fatter, then people eating such fish may become even fatter, allowing for a further hypothesis that global warming does indeed cause obesity.

Speaking of fat, remember England's King Richard III, the Royal whose remains were excavated in 2012 from under a paved parking lot? Before getting his crown, he is said to have a lean diet of bread, barley, ale and water. However, once crowned, it is claimed he ate luxury meals, such as game birds and freshwater fish, downed with wine. His diet analysis was based on two teeth, a rib and an upper leg bone. It is not clear whether richer foods may have made him obese or contributed to his demise in battle. When he was found, he was just skin and bones.***

All of this gives food for thought. If global warming does exist, and if it causes obesity , maybe the solution is to drink more water to cool body temperatures, wash food through one's system and to fill stomach cavities to dampen appetite. And, of course eating less and more wisely might help, too.

(Was the unusually large frog in the photo above affected by global warming?)

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* "Ancient Genes, Modern Meals", Science News,
September 20, 2014, p. 18
** "Two Oceans Implicated In Warming Lull",
Science News, September 20, 2014, p.10
*** "Richard III Ate Like A King",
Science News, September 20, 2014, p.17

PANTS

The oldest known pants have been discovered in the Yanghai graveyard in the Tarim Basin of western China. * They were found with excavation of remains of two men. It is believed that the pants are about 3,000 years old and belonged to a nomadic horseman.

The pants appear to be quite stylish, with wool straight-fitting legs with woven decorations and "a wide crotch." It is suggested that nomadic herders in Asia invented such pants so that they could more comfortably ride horses. The wide crotch was not explained.

Apparently, prior to the pants invention, Asians and Europeans got by wearing gowns, robes, tunics, togas and loin cloths. While such apparel could be seen as uncomfortable for riding on a horse, it is to be noted that native Americans commonly wore loin cloths while on their horses. Before the recent discovery, the oldest trousers found in China were about 2600 years old, and were burgundy in color.

"Pants" does not always mean the same thing to everyone. In the United Kingdom, for example, "pants" commonly means underwear, whereas "trousers" are the outerwear most people commonly call "pants." So, if touring England, best not say "I like your pants."

Interestingly, there was a 1920 British film called "Trousers." The romantic story line is described: "A woman who dresses like a man falls in love." I will not disclose the ending in case you see the movie.

Along a similar line, in 1919 a woman became the first female in Puerto Rico to wear trousers in public. Sh was jailed, but later released after the pants charges were dropped. In 2013, A French law finally was revoked which required women to get permission from city authorities before dressing like a man, including wearing trousers, except if holding bicycle handlebars or reins of a horse.

How does all this relate to water? Well, at some point, whether 3,000 years ago or even today, trousers have to be cleaned. This likely would be particularly true in older times before the invention of underwear. Therefore, one wonders how often and how pants were washed.
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*See"Earliest Pants Worn Bt Horse Riders", Science News, June 28, 2014

TOILET PAPER AND CLIMATE CHANGE

In March, Consumer Reports reported that it tested toilet paper and found that rolls have become narrower, the tubes in the center of the rolls have become larger, the number of sheets per roll have become fewer and the sheets have become smaller.

The toilet paper rolls were tested for strength, softness, disintegration and ease of tearing. How the toilet paper was tested for these conditions is unclear. The various brands of rolls ranged in cost from 8 cents per 100 sheets to over 44 cents per 100 sheets.

In a prior post, I discussed the challenge one faces to find a beneficial use for the empty cardboard tubes once the toilet paper roll is used up ("NO END IN SITE OR SIGHT", May 29, 2013). If the tubes have grown in diameter, that task may have become more difficult. On the other hand, the larger tubes may be useful for growing seedlings by handy gardeners this Spring; or better yet, the tubes may make good beer bottle or can holders to enhance bathroom or other experiences.

Interestingly, the report also stated that Americans use an average of 46 sheets of toilet paper per day. Again, it is not clear how this finding was determined. Perhaps it was as a result of a question at the last census or something to be reported on an IRS form. Regardless, now I am worried that I am not an average American because I use far less than 46 sheets of toilet paper per day.

Then I got to wondering whether the number of sheets used per day has any relationship to climate change. Is it possible that in warmer periods, people spend more time in bathrooms and use more sheets; in in colder time, people use fewer sheets because they spend less time there?

The more I think about empty toilet paper tubes and number of sheets of paper being used, the more likely I could wind up two or three sheets to the wind.

A SHOWER STALLED

Recently, the Chicago Tribune published an article written by travel guru Rick Steves captioned : "European Loos Not Made For Lingering."* The gist of the article is that European bathrooms, and particularly the shower stalls, can be quite quirky.

However, the article does not mention an issue that my wife and I repeatedly have encountered during travel in Europe and stays at hotels: how does one turn on and turn off the showers and adjust the water temperature. While using shower controls should seem an easy enough exercise, the controls tend to be rather unique and foreboding, and no hotel provides instructions as to how to use them.

For example, during our travel to Europe earlier this month, at one well-starred hotel, the shower stall controls comprised three small, unmarked levers. Randomly moving one lever activated a roaring river of cold water out of the low faucet designed to fill the bathtub in which I was now standing, but not the shower head. The other levers appeared to do nothing, like placebos. Finally, after some 15 minutes of standing in the rushing cold water in the bath tub and frantically twisting all three levers, somehow water began to drip from the shower head. We have no idea how this happened, so we had to keep everything running as each person popped in and out of the stall. Of course, the whole process had to be repeated the next morning.

Another example on the same trip involved a shower stall that had no levers or any other visible controls. Instead, the only thing that was showing was a chrome tube with a rounded end coming out of the wall, and having the appearance of a large suppository suitable for an elephant. Again, only after at least 15 minutes of grasping and twisting at this tube did water magically begin to pour from the shower head.

Any one who has seen Dvorak's opera Rusalka can readily conclude that European showers are controlled not by levers and handles but by Vondik, the water goblin.

We have concluded that the pressing matter of shower stall controls is ripe for regulation by some EU or UN agency so as to provide uniformity of controls and public information on use of the controls. In the meantime, we will seek assistance from Vondik next time we travel to Europe.

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* (Section 3, p.2, April 13, 2014)

A GROUNDHOG'S DAY

Today, February 2, is Groundhog Day. If a groundhog sees its shadow today, there will be six more weeks of winter. If it does not see its shadow, Spring will be near. Therefore, the Day is of both great personal as well as public interest. You see, I am a groundhog, as today is my birthday.

Exactly what is a groundhog? Frankly, it is a rodent, and a member of the marmot group. It also has been known over time as a woodchuck, whistle-pig and land beaver. It lives in burrows. An average groundhog excavates about 700 pounds of earth per burrow and may have several burrows. It hibernates in winter, and breeds in February--perhaps in "tunnels of love". It is a vegetarian, and may well visit your vegetable garden.

Of all the native animals in North America, the groundhog is the only one to have its own day. In 1841, a Pennsylvania storekeeper wrote in his diary "Last Tuesday, the 2nd, was Candlemas day, the day on which, according to the Germans, the Groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters and if he sees his shadow he pops back in for another six weeks nap, but if the day be cloudy he remains out, as the weather will be moderate." An 1871 commentary on February 2 similarly stated: "On that day the groundhog comes annually out of his hole, after a long winter nap, to look for his shadow. If he perceives it, he retires again to his burrow, which he does not leave for six weeks--weeks necessarily of stormy weather. But if he does not see his shadow, he stays out of his hole till he can, and the weather is sure to become mild and pleasant."

Perhaps the most famous groundhog is Punxsutawney Phil, who has attained rock star status as forecaster to the nation on February 2 every year. However, the truth of the matter is that many towns in the Unites States have their own groundhogs making their own forecasts based on whether shadows are seen there. So, there may well be a variety of predictions. Overall, it seems that groundhog forecasts are correct only about 40% of the time.

In a town in Spain, annually in January, there is a day when townspeople celebrate by throwing dead rats at each other. No doubt tomatoes are out of season. At any rate, we should be happy that we don't have to throw groundhogs at each other every February 2.

Groundhog Day is a de facto holiday in the United States. I urge the President to bypass Congress and issue an executive order establishing Groundhog Day as a national holiday. Of course, that would mean that schools and banks would close and there would be no mail delivery, so that full appreciation could be given to the honored rodent. Because different groundhogs in different locations could give different forecasts, perhaps there should be federal regulation of groundhogs to facilitate uniform forecasting.

What does all of this have to do with water. Well, six more weeks of winter will mean six more weeks of snow, ice and freezing rain--along with frigid cold!

I just stepped outside. I saw my shadow, which means six more weeks of winter. Happy Holiday!

HALLOWEEN LEGALITIES

I brake from water topics for holidays. So, I was wondering what the case law may have said about some of the traditions surrounding Halloween.

VLAD, THE IMPALED

A drama club at a Texas university decided to produce the play "Dracula". In one of the final scenes of the play, Harker is to impale Vlad Dracula with a knife. Because a real knife was being used, the actor portraying Dracula wore a stab pad with a visible target strapped to his chest. In the performance, the actor portraying Harker missed the stab pad and stabbed the actor portraying Dracula in his chest. Dracula did not realize he had been stabbed. He entered into a coffin, which then was closed. In the darkness of the coffin, he discovered he was bleeding. The play continued, and Dracula emerged from the coffin with the bloody knife. However, he began to feel weak. The script called for Dracula to die in the arms of his love, Mina the Maiden. Instead of saying goodbye to Mina, he whispered to her to go call an ambulance. Mina ran off to call paramedics. Dracula "cut the final act short by giving a short ad-libbed soliloquy and quickly exiting the stage", according to a lower court. The actor portraying Dracula sued several parties, including the university. The Texas Supreme Court reversed a judgment against the university. (1)

WHICH WITCH?

The maker of a craft witch design sued the maker of a witch figure for alleged copyright infringement. Plaintiff sold a design to consumers who then were to make a witch figure which looked like it had just crashed into a tree. The design called for consumers to use plywood for the figure's body/clothing, hat, socks and boots; a mop for the hair; and a black plastic trash bag for the cape. The design further suggested how consumers should paint the plywood..." Defendant produced a witch figure on a broom that appeared to crash into a tree. "The figures are finished products made from refined materials, with detailed features such as molded plastic hands, socks and boots; silk-like hair; molded-foam arms, legs and body; and fabric hat, clothing, and cape." The court held that there was no infringement. (2)

HOLDING THE BAG

Plaintiff sued, alleging infringement of its patent for a pumpkin leaf bag. "The products in dispute are oversize orange plastic bags which are tucked at the bottom and imprinted with black graphics; when stuffed with dry leaves or crumpled newspapers, the products simulate giant jack-o-lanterns suitable for decorating a lawn during the Halloween season." According to the court, plaintiff's bag had a scary face on one side and a happy face on the other, whereas defendant's bag had a face on only one side, had a different bottom closure and lacked vertical black lines. The court held for plaintiff. (3)

SPIDERS, BATS, GHOSTS AND BLACK CATS

An importer of women's sweaters challenged federal Custom's classification of the sweaters as "sweaters" rather than as "festive articles." The spider sweater depicted webs around the collar and sleeves with a spider dangling from the collar. The court held that it was a festive article because it "is sold exclusively during the festive occasion for Halloween and that it is used principally during Halloween." The court made similar rulings as to sweaters depicting bats and ghosts. However, the court held that sweaters showing black cats were not festive articles, because black cats are not so intrinsically linked to Halloween. (4)

HE'S ALIVE!

A Ohio court recently held that a man who appeared in court is legally dead and cannot become legally alive again. Allegedly, the man became legally dead eight years after he disappeared and the time limit for reversing that death ruling had expired. The man sought to reverse his death ruling to reinstate social security and driver's license benefits. The judge is quoted as saying "I don't know where this leaves you, but you're still deceased as far as the law is concerned." Unclear is whether the man must pay income taxes and comply with the Obamacare mandate. At any rate, he appears to be one of the living dead! (5)

Have a Happy and Legal Halloween!

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(1) Texas A & M University v. Bishop, 156 S.W.2d 580 (Tex.2005)

(2) Winfield Collection v. Gemmy Industries, US Ct. App. 6th Cir. (2005)

(3) Sun Hill v Easter Unlimited, 831 F.Supp.1024 (E.D.N.Y.1993)

(4) Michael Simon Design v. United States, 452 F.Supp.2d 1316 (Ct.Int.Trade 2006)

(5) Dunn, Courier.com, Findlay, Ohio, October 8, 2013

IT'S RAINING ACORNS! FEELIN' SQUIRRELLY

We have had a serious shortfall of rain in these parts since July. So, you can imagine my excitement when recently I heard drops on the roof of our house. The noise became increasingly intense, like the din of a hundred hammers on the shingles or the pounding of a thousand woodpeckers in unison. I began to fear damaging hail along with rain.

I nervously glanced out the window, and was shocked to see that the walk and lawn were as dry as ever. No water! What is going on?

So, I even more nervously exited outdoors to ascertain what was perpetrating such a clatter. To my amazement, it was raining acorns, non-stop, from the 200 year old oak tree over reaching the house. The roof, walks, driveway and lawn were smothered in acorns. Many of them hit the roof and bounced off like some medieval rock thrower weapon. Others gracefully rolled into the rain gutters to be removed eventually by grumbling, bruised hands after clogging everything. Still others fall directly onto the walks and driveway to be crushed under foot or tire with an aggravating pop.


On and on the acorns have rained for the past two weeks, with no cease fire in sight. The squirrels should have a field day. But, where are they? I do not see any gathering acorns or diligently digging up the lawn to bury them in storage for a winter day forage. They must be hiding in fear of the noise or being hit by these missiles. Yes, squirrels should be eating these acorns. Interestingly, some people eat squirrels. So, eating squirrels could be said to be equivalent to eating acorns.

As a matter of fact, on a trip to northern Italy, we learned from a partisan fighter in World War 2 that the partisans survived a winter in the mountains by eating acorns for their diet.

In our western pine forests, usually there are no oak trees dropping acorns, but there are squirrels who eat pine cones. Thankfully, pine cones are not falling on our roof. On one of my visits to a pine forest, I discovered that a pack rat had eaten most of the wiring under the hood of my car. I hope it got a charge out of that. Thankfully, pack rats are not falling on our roof.

It has now occurred to me that the EPA should regulate acorns to assure my safety and well being. They regulate things that fall from the sky, so why not acorns? Indeed, when I think about it, EPA regulates air, earth, fire and water--what else is there? (Or was that merely a rock group?) If government can regulate rock fracking, surely it can regulate acorn cracking.

My late aunt used to say: "Half the world is nuts, and the other half are squirrels chasing them". With age, I think I now know what she meant. I'm feelin' squirrelly. Pass the acorns, and welcome EPA...

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THEM?

A recent magazine article sparked my attention. Its title read: "7 Things To Make With Toilet Paper Rolls." What a crafter's challenge! Just what can we do with those empty rolls after the toilet paper is fully used?

It appears that toilet paper wrapped on rolls is a relatively recent invention, tracing roots to the last half of the 19th century. Frankly, the technology has not advanced much since then. Basically, as most of us know, segmented long sheets of thin and often abrasive paper are coiled around a cardboard roll. Thus, after all the paper is removed for use, one is left holding the cardboard roll.

The magazine article offered some creative uses for the empty roll. For example, it could be used to hold wrapping paper together-a roll on roll, if you will. Or, it could be used to contain an electric cord; or seed could be glued to the outside of the roll, and it becomes a bird feeder.

Inspired by these examples, I conjured up some other possible uses:

* Several empty rolls could be strung together to make a garland for a Christmas tree.

* Rolls could become containers to hold candy treats to be given to Halloween trick or treaters.

* Rolls could be used to hide jewelry and other small valuables from would be thieves.

* Horizontally, rolls could be used as napkin rings at more formal dinners, when cost is an issue.

* Vertically, they could be used for place names at the dinner table, when guests are deemed unimportant.

* Rolls could be made into home made English Christmas crackers, when the real things are too expensive.

* Roll could make fine beverage holders on airplane trips, for those who drink their wine or spirits straight from the small bottles.

* Following current trends, rolls could become virtual currency for various transactions.

Because empty toilet paper rolls may have a carbon footprint, and could clog landfills or even sewers if discarded inappropriately, perhaps the best solution is regulation by a federal governmental agency. The Toilet Paper Empty Roll Control Act (TPERCA, for short) could be enacted by Congress to authorize EPA to regulate the size, composition, use and disposal of empty rolls. Rolls and their uses would have to meet strict compliance standards. Users of toilet paper would file monitoring reports with the agency. Any use or disposal of a roll would require a permit.

Accordingly, regulation again would provide a happy solution, for we all certainly would know what to do with our rolls.

BEWARE OF WATER HOGS

Last week, the press reported that at least 6,000 dead pigs were fished out of the Huangpu River and tributaries. The river runs through the center of Shanghai and is the source of supply of the City's drinking water for some 23 million residents. According to some reports, officials there have expressed concerns that the pigs could become a cause of water contamination.

In the United States, I have heard of Asian carp jumping out of rivers. I also have heard of something called a pig in the poke. But I have never heard of pigs floating in rivers.

Over a ham on rye sandwich, I began to salivate how the United States might deal with 6,000 dead pigs bubbling in a river which provides drinking water for a major city. I could not find a provision in the Safe Drinking Water Act or EPA regulations for water hogs--such as so many pigs per liter (or is it litter) or so many pig parts per million. My guess is that by the time EPA could promulgate a standard, sausage would be be squeezing from faucets. On second thought, perhaps none of this should be a surprise. We are used to seeing a lot of pork coming out of Congress. Why not the same for rivers?

Maybe the whole story is simply some publicity fabrication by a movie studio for a new 1950s style science fiction movie, such as "Earth versus Floating Pigs--They Came From Inner Space."

Or maybe this is much dodo about nothing. According to one report, the Chinese government testing showed no known health concern for humans in the river water-- only a pathogen affecting pigs. So, the days when one would go to a river for fishing may now be replaced by days going to a river for bringing home the bacon.

Oink if you support water hogs!

ODE TO A FLU SHOT

The government says the flu season has arrived. We all know that the government is always correct. Nevertheless, I have resisted getting a flu shot for some time. Finally, after much pressure from the wife, and much hacking, horking and sneezing wherever I go in public, I finally acknowledged that my time had come for the annual jamming of the flabby arm. So, I journeyed to my local "emergency medical clinic" for the ritual.

Now, was I naive to assume that an emergency medical clinic implies speedy attention? Well, just the opposite. One must first sign in on a form calling for a multiple choice answer to why one bothered to come there. The choices ranged from "flu shot" to "immediate surgery", and my mind flashed back to the horrors my SAT test. My first choice was "flu shot" and I wisely resisted changing my answer.

Then one sits in the waiting room with dozens of hacking, horking and sneezing patients all waiting for relief from the flu because they waited to long to get a flu shot. After 15 minutes, but it seemed longer than a super bowl halftime, one is called forth for the ordeal of the PAPERWORK. Form after form requiring signature, waiving and releasing everything except my body fluids--I think I still have those. Then came the verbal questions, such as why are you here, why do you have insurance. are you allergic to the world, do you have or want the flu?

Back to the waiting room hacking, horking and sneezing for another 15 minutes. Finally, I was summoned to a closet where a nurse larger than life was salivating to do the deed. But first, she asked the same questions that blotted my mind at the check-in desk, and added are you allergic to chicken, do you like chicken, what about eggs, omelets, eggs benedict, etc. Then, as the needle attacked my flabby arm, she announced that I could not get the flu from the shot, but I may experience flu-like symptoms. So, what is the difference, I wondered. All in all, it took an hour to get a 10 second flu shot.

Upon reflection, I wonder if I would have been better off just drinking 8 glasses of water every day coupled with I-V chicken soup. Or, maybe all that sitting time with hacking, horking and sneezing immunized me from the flu anyway.

On the way home, I heard on my car radio that a science laboratory was asking the general public to send it their stool samples. It seems that scientists there want to accumulate an inventory of all the bacteria, good and bad, found in human intestines. What a great idea! This will reduce loading at the local sewage treatment plants. And, since my flu shot does not protect me from intestinal flu, I may have plenty to send the laboratory in the future.

IS TALK MORE VALUED THAN WATER?

Last week, there was a news report that more people in the world have cell phones than have running water or electricity. Since last week also was "National Drinking Water Week", I got to thinking about this situation.

Does it mean that people believe communication is more important than drinking water? Without electricity, how do people recharge their cell phone batteries? Are people more willing to accept charges for cell phones than costs to obtain or maintain water?

Another report announced that in 2010, there were 670 million cell phones in India, but only 366 million people had access to private toilets, leaving 665 million people without such access.

However, another report states that approximately 880,000 British every year have accidents involving cell phones falling into toilets. Apparently, the problem does not dampen usage, although it may increase sales of new devices. Also apparently, social media has replaced newspapers and catalogs as bathroom procedure. Ever wonder where the next tweet or e-mail you receive originates?

Maybe, communication and water can be combined. I found one provider that makes available to cell phone users the download of a running water ringtone. Calls then would make quite a splash. In my freshman college year, my room was at the top of a five story walk-up. We communicated to residents on the first floor by tapping a form of morse code on the hot water radiator pipes--much to the aggravation of the second, third and fourth floors.

My mind wandered further. I pictured a person having no running water, but having a need to both communicate and to seek personal relief, going to an outhouse with a cell phone. What happens if the cell phone accidentally slips from fingers and falls into the abyss? Does one attempt to retrieve it? What happens if the cell phone then rings with that delightful running water ringtone? Would that constitute as a call of nature?