Officials announced today the climate change agreement of all nations to ban Santa Claus from the Earth.
Under the agreement, authorities also have closed down Santa's workshop, seized his sleigh, and deported his reindeer from the North Pole to Finland.
Reached for comment, Santa declined comment on advice of his attorney. Mrs. Claus was quoted as exclaiming "What am I going to do? That old man now is going to be hanging around the house all day." One of Santa's elves, an officer of the Elves Union (EU) who asked not to be identified, said "We elves are now are unemployed and are in shock. We are short but have a long history. We will review our options."
Prior to 2015 and Climate Change Agreement I, carbon was pervasive. When Santa Claus made his rounds of houses, he came down the chimney with clothes all tarnished in ashes and soot. After the 2015 agreement, which banned carbon, Santa was able to come down chimneys free of pollutants.
Now, 35 years later, international governmental leaders have adopted Climate Change Agreement II to resolve additional issues with Santa Claus. Scientists have determined that, as Santa travels around the world, his reindeer produce excessive methane from belching and pooping, resulting in increases global warming. It is estimated that by the year 2100, the reindeer will have caused an increase in earth temperature of 0.01 degrees, unless remedial action is taken.
Even more serious, officials state, is that Santa's reindeer are leaving their chips and pies (poop) on top of mandatory rooftop solar panels of homes he visits. These deposits then block the production of electricity for the homes. Since there no longer is an electric grid or natural gas service, the result is that homes are without electricity for heating, cooking and lighting.
Therefore, government leaders concluded, it was necessary to ban Santa Claus in order to save the Earth.
For those who embrace the tradition of Christmas gift giving, governments are providing alternatives to Santa Claus. In the United States, the Affordable Gift Act was enacted, which provides for regional gift centers operated by government agency staff. Children will be able to select gifts from the centers, The centers will be funded by cash donations from adults, who then will receive tax credits as their gifts. Adults who decline to fund gift centers will pay an income tax penalty surcharge.
Authorities commented that under the terms of the Affordable Gift Act, the public will not miss Santa Claus at all, and the environment will be saved. "Those who once believed in Santa Claus can now happily believe only in government," one said.
One official was heard to say to an inquisitive little girl, "Yes, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus."
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